My wedding day was nothing short of exactly what I wanted it to be.
It was beautiful… it was romantic.
It was in the lower room of a restaurant and looked like a cave, with rustic sconces on the walls, which provided just enough light to see.
It was a dark place with a little light.
I had no idea just how REAL of a metaphor that would be for the rest of my marriage.
But anyhow, it started off as a beautiful day.
A beautiful start to a marriage.
He looked at me with such love, that he was a magnet pulling me closer and closer to him down that little aisle, clinging to my dad’s arm.
I could have tried to resist, but it wouldn’t have ever worked for me. I would have always ended up loving him. He drew me to him with some kind of magical force.
That was the day I was most adored by my husband.
The day that I was a bride.
Most of the days after that, I was simply a wife.
I wasn’t really ever a bride again.
Not to him, at least.
And I thought that after Jeremy passed away I was certainly not a bride, and I was not a wife anymore, either.
On our wedding day, I was soaked in compliments, and I felt beautiful that day.
He adored me, and I was adorned with beautiful jewelry, with a beautiful dress,
And I felt beautiful.
But I am still a bride.
Still fully adored and still fully adorned.
I gave you expensive clothing of fine linen and silk, beautifully embroidered, and sandals made of fine goatskin leather. I gave you lovely jewelry, bracelets come beautiful necklaces, a ring for your nose, earrings for your ears, and a lovely crown for your head. And so you were adorned with gold and silver. Your clothes were made of fine linen and were beautifully embroidered. You ate the finest foods – choice flour, honey, and olive oil – and became more beautiful than ever. You looked like a Queen, and so you were!
Ezekiel 16:10-13 NLT
But this Groom is different.
He adores me every day.
And I am always adorned in his grace and mercy.
I am always a bride and I am always a wife.
As with any bride and groom there is still conflict.
There is still heartbreak.
And there is still pain.
Marriages start off simply being about love, but when the rubber meets the road, it becomes ALL ABOUT COMMITMENT.
It becomes all about commitment once pain is involved.
The pain happens when expectations are not met. In my opinion that is where most pain and disappointment in ANY relationship finds its root.
In unmet expectations.
I could never perfectly meet my earthly husband’s expectations.
Neither could he meet mine.
NO HUMAN CAN!!
But, after praying for miraculous changes in my husband’s life, making necessary spiritual changes in MINE…
My OTHER Husband did something I wasn’t expecting.
He permitted Jeremy to die a catastrophic death, instead of changing his heart.
NOW, I am very well aware of how much that one act was probably the ONLY way I would still be alive today.
That’s almost too sobering and scary for me to think about, so I try to push that out of my mind, but it is still true.
If relationships are all about commitment, maybe you can try to imagine how that kind of “hit” to my heart caused such deep disappointment in me towards God, my truest Husband.
It caused a huge rift between us, because of unmet expectations.
I expected a specific type of miracle.
And He GAVE me one!
But it didnt look the way I wanted it to.
I wanted Jeremy CHANGED.
Changed, but still ALIVE.
But God knows the ENTIRE story!
Why??
Because He wrote it!!
He knew what was coming, and gave me HIS VERY BEST!!
I realize all of that now.
But it took the better part of a year to accept this, and to figuratively say “yes” to THIS.
But it was a very rocky year for God and me.
In my first round of Griefshare(I am going through the process again, because the grief was too raw the first time around), there was a clip from a video that stuck out to me.
It addresses all the questions we have for God when He permits someone essential in our life to die.
It was specifically talking about the love relationship between us and our “Groom”.
One of authors said that she felt like God asked her each morning during this tough time….
“Do you still love me?”
“Are you going to walk away from me?”
“Please. Let’s stay together”.
ULTIMATE challenge of commitment!
These are lyrics to a song by J.J. Heller, that she must have unknowingly written just for me.
When you can’t feel a thing
After too many stings
When you forget about grace
The world is a lonely place
Stay with me, you’ll be surprised
There’s a world of color beyond black and white
Open your eyes, let in the light
You’ll see when you stay with me
When you can’t hear a thing
There are no words to sing
You keep your heart where it’s safe
But the world is a silent place
Stay with me and you’ll be surprised
There’s a world of color beyond black and white
Open your eyes, let in the light
You’ll see when you stay with me
Hold on
Be strong
Believe in love
Stay with me, you’ll be surprised
There’s a world of color beyond black and white
Open your eyes, let in the light
You’ll see when you stay with me
There’s a world of color beyond black and white
Open your eyes, let in the light
You’ll see when you stay with me.
So, I haven’t “arrived” yet, at any place of closure or complete healing.
That might take alot of years.
But I’m committed to THIS Groom…
I’m trusting His plan for our family.
I’m trusting He’s always given His very best to me….
And has INCREDIBLE plans for my life!!!!
And I’m not going
ANYWHERE.
I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss.
Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this:
The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease.
Great is His faithfulness;
His mercies begin afresh each morning .
I say to myself, the Lord is my inheritance;
Therefore, I will hope in Him!
Lamentations 3:20-24
