When it comes to discussing my husband, Jeremy,

I am usually very conflicted.

I desperately want to tell others our real story…..

But I don’t EVER EVER EVER want to dishonor him!

So, I don’t say much.

I have young children, too, and they have to be my main priority.

And they ARE. I have always been very honest with them about their daddy, applying alot of wisdom in HOW I explain things to them.

But if I’m going to have any shot at genuine HEALING,

I’m going to have to tell the truth….

For ME.

Well, the whole truth….
I’ve said many times that my husband, Jeremy, never recovered from MY stroke.
I have pretty much made my peace with all that I lost that day seven years ago.
But Jeremy’s life was changed forever, too.
We started off as PARTNERS.
But we ended up as more like PATIENT and CAREGIVER.

Sometimes, he would “jokingly” refer to me as his “third child.”

Sadly, I think that’s how he saw me much of the time.

It had to be very frustrating for him to try to adjust to all the dramatic changes he witnessed in me, and to pick up the slack that my new condition created.

I loved him for that.

When you say “in sickness and in health, for better or for worse”….

It’s no joke when those vows hit very close to home.

My husband carried pain, anger, and resentment with him wherever he went.
I could see him unravelling right before my very eyes.
For the last several years, I prayed…

And prayed…

And prayed.
I BELIEVED a miracle was possible.
I was COUNTING on one.
We desperately NEEDED one!
The phrase “hurt people hurt people” was so very real in our home.
I was actively fighting for my marriage, up until the moment he stopped breathing that Saturday night in November.
So…..

I didn’t get the miracle that I wanted.

I feel like I was in the middle of a game on some sports team….

And our team had to forfeit because our “key player” hadn’t shown up.
I didn’t get to win!
I didn’t get to fight!
I didn’t even get to TRY ONE LAST TIME!!!
I KNOW I had more fight left in me.
At least I think I did.
But, now, we’ll never know.

And this sorrow is deep.

Some days, it hurt me to love Jeremy,

But I DID.

The same intensity of the love that KEPT me with him…

Is the same intensity of mourning I feel NOW.

That love has to go SOMEWHERE…

So, it becomes GRIEF.

My husband may have died suddenly,

And violently. (Trust me.)

But I honestly believe his was a horribly

SLOW DEATH.

I believe a part of me was mourning his loss for a whole year before his physical life ended.

That’s how dark the road was from where I was sitting.

Did I still see glimpses of the boy that I loved?

Yes!!!

Did I still believe he loved his family, despite many wrong choices?

Yes!!!

People are never all good.

People are never all bad.

We’re just people.

Nobody is a saint.

We all have hurts that we try to stuff down.

But no matter what our marriage may have looked like to others..

I LOVED him!!!!!!!

And there were times when I completely FEARED him.

God, in His wisdom, SAVED me.

And I am still figuring out how I feel about that.

Please pray, as I continue down this very bumpy road, with my two babies.

And pray that these words today would sufficiently and honestly HONOR Jeremy’s memory, and might be a healing balm for others whose stories are much like mine.

You are not alone.

For I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through your prayer and the supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, according to my earnest expectation and hope that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death.

Philippians 1:19

The Forfeit

10 thoughts on “The Forfeit

  1. Oh Pami…I love your faith and understand the Love of your husband.Someday I should share with you the heartache I have lived for over 20 yrs….I trust the Lord ….He gave me mighty strength through the pain…even with the awful heartache….my Love of the Lord has not waviored…….I have learned to call it living dealth….greif ongoing….also greiving loss of being able to walk without pain ….as Jesus suffered thus we carry His thorn…. Pami I have utmost respect for you ….

  2. True love keeps us going and able to see what’s beneath what the rest of the world is seeing. God gives us the strength that we need.

  3. Love is a many spendored and splintered thing….I think we enter in and out of agape love but mainly stay in philio love….Thanks for sharing. Thanks for stating stuff that we all can relate to but seldom speak of. The “typical” marriage vows-“for better or for worse, in sickness and health, for rich or for poorer, till death do us part” were man made. Not that I disagree with them, but they are easily said than done….Only commitment will keep you in a marriage-not love. Like probably 99% of others in this life, I was shocked to learn/realize what marriage is and isn’t. It’s a LOT of HARD work from beginning to death do us part. It’s never 50/50 but usually 150\10 or such….But not bc God is not sufficient, but bc Satan is real and active 27/7 in our minds. The only true and faithful love we have in life is the Lord-the one who made us and has all the hairs of our head numbered.

    You loved Jeremy and he loved you-beginning and end of story. Focus on that. God loves the imperfect and so do we. It’s the golden rule thing.

    I love your heart, Pami. Stay focused.
    Much love, thoughts and prayers-
    Kris

  4. Pami, I hear you! You did a fine job of writing that down and giving expression to your thoughts, your hurts, your story. I will continue to pray for you as you and your children work your way through grief and healing.

  5. Your testimony is amazing. Perhaps you don’t think so, but it is an eye opener for people who have not had to experience the kind of stress, loneliness and frustration you must have had to go through, and are perhaps still going through. Thank you for sharing. God bless you, as well.

  6. I am so sorry for your stroke. You are very brave and courageous. Praying for you and your hubby and children. Sending love, prayer and hugs your way, sweet sister. ❤

    • Thank you, Donna. I guess this post alone doesn’t really make it too clear…my husband was killed in a car accident last November. I appreciate any prayers you could offer up for me and my kids. Thank you, Donna.❤❤❤❤

  7. I’m so sorry. There is so much of my testimony that has to stay behind closed doors too. I feel your pain. God isn’t done with you though. He will give you the right words to say to help other people.

  8. We hear you. Never quiet your soul. Your story. Never quiet to soothe others. You recover. You love him in passing and memories and you move forward with it. God has you and all of us who have been there in his hands. He loves us and we will be okay. That has always been his promise.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s