My best friend/pastor did this really cool thing at a wedding once. He probably did it lots of times, but it’s the only time I can remember.

The bride filled a jar with white sand.

The groom did the same with black sand.

During the ceremony they each poured their sand into the same container. Then my friend mixed it up.

Then he challenged the couple, and the rest of us, to perfectly separate the sand back to all white and all black.

His point is that it is impossible to ever perfectly separate the two,

Ever again.

This is my struggle.

This is my pain.

I combined all that I was with my husband almost twelve years ago.

And now…

He is gone.

But Jeremy has my sand.

And I have HIS.

The night he died…

The night when the red and blue lights of the state police car out front

Illuminating and flashing all over my haunted living room….

The night I had to identify that it was my husband…

The owner of ALL of the black sand that is in me…

Completely and totally mixed in with my white…

It crushed me.

How do I keep going??

This is not a question of desperation.

I just really want to know.

I’m not just ME anymore.

“ME” became a “WE” a long time ago…

For better or for worse.

Just because someone dies…

It doesn’t mean the black sand in you gets magically removed,

And it doesn’t mean you get all your white sand back, either.

A part of you just….

Dies.

Dies with them.

And I really don’t know where to go from here.

But I know there is One who POURED Himself out on that cross…

For you, and for me.

I know He has all of our white and black sand all over Him, and INSIDE of Him!

He carries us with Him..

ALWAYS.

I’m really seeking after the God of all my sand in me.

All the sand that was my husband’s…

The sand that I vowed to become mine.

The God who makes Broken

Beautiful.

The God who heals and mends all day long.

I sooo want to feel “whole” again.

His black sand in me hurts me now.

Because I know

That’s all that is left of him.

Just his sand.

But God can take care of a little bit of sand.

He can make it not hurt so bad.

I am LOVED by the God who thought up the very idea of sand on the beach!

And when He sees me, He doesn’t see ANY sand.

He just sees ME.

He can heal me.

He WILL heal me.

And one day, his sand won’t hurt….

Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am weak; O Lord, heal me, for my bones are troubled. My soul also is greatly troubled; But You, O Lord—how long? Return, O Lord, deliver me! Oh, save me for Your mercies’ sake! For in death there is no remembrance of You; In the grave who will give You thanks? I am weary with my groaning; All night I make my bed swim; I drench my couch with my tears. My eye wastes away because of grief; It grows old because of all my enemies. Depart from me, all you workers of iniquity; For the Lord has heard the voice of my weeping. The Lord has heard my supplication; The Lord will receive my prayer.

Psalm 6:2-9

Sand

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s