Recently, a very close friend of mine texted me to invite me out to dinner with her and some other friends.

When I read the names of the other women invited, I realized they had all lost their husbands through death.

And then, I thought…

“This is a ‘WIDOWS dinner’.”

It felt like somebody kicked me in the stomach.

Man, did that word HURT!!

I couldn’t really ignore that THIS is who I am now.

I’ve actually been trying to find some cooler, hipper names for us.

Like…

“Scarred Bachelorette”.

Or, maybe…

“Wounded Warrior”.

But I guess, if I’m being honest…

I don’t WANT that title at ALL…

No matter how you dress it up.

I just don’t want to be THAT.

But since that’s the only word for it (yet!😊😊),

I guess that’s now a part of who I am.

How do you go on by yourself, after vowing to become “One”,

In front of God and family???

When you’ve made CHILDREN with this person??

When, whether things were good in your marriage or even really horrible, you made a LIFE with this person???

I really don’t know how to do that yet,

But I know it’s going to be difficult,

And just like every other difficult thing God has permitted me to go through,

I can trust Him with this new name…

This new normal…

This new challenge.

Why??

I have already had plenty of people ask me why I continue to trust in a God who seems” to like watching me suffer.”

First of all, I DO NOT BELIEVE HE LIKES TO WATCH ME SUFFER!!

I do, however, think He likes to watch me CONQUER!!!!

My God is not stupid.

He is not weak.

He is not clumsy,

Or foolish,

Or distracted.

He is not callous,

Or distant,

Or cold.

He LOVES me!!

So, because I know that to be true,

I am looking for lessons.

I am looking for nuggets of wisdom to glean from all of this.

Yes.

Some days, I am so desperately sad, that it’s hard to BREATHE, let alone get my kids ready for school in the morning.

Some days, I just want to punch somebody, because I’m so angry and hurt about how Jeremy left this world.

Yes, I have those moments…

Because I’m human.

But mostly…

I’m trusting God with every breath.

I’m trusting God with every big and small decision I need to make.

I’m trusting God, that when He planned my life before there was ever ANYTHING created…

That HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING!…

THAT He has a plan to make me and my two babies THRIVE!!…

That He will ALWAYS comfort me and be my peace.

So, “widow” or wounded warrior”….

Whatever.

That is just a small part of who I am now.

And it’s going to be okay.

One day, I won’t feel like the wind was knocked out of me whenever I hear that label.

One day, it will get easier to walk on

ALONE.

Without my Jeremy.

The LORD appeared to me (Israel) from ages past, saying, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you and continued My faithfulness to you.

Jeremiah 31:3 AMP

I can truly count on a God who LOVES me like this….

Who “draws” me ….

The Hebrew definition of “draws” is to “drag or seize”.

He SEIZES me!!!!!

Jesus grabs hold of me with His everlasting love,

His everlasting kindness,

With His everlasting faithfulness!!!!

I. AM. NOT. ALONE.

Widow or not…

His love is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS

ENOUGH.

A Word That Hurts

13 thoughts on “A Word That Hurts

  1. I’ve always liked Twila Paris’ song, “The Warrior is a Child” bc I can relate to it so much. Titles are only applied to people;they don’t define or make the person. It’s amazing to me that God, who is indescribable, although has many names and adjectives applied to Him, is the One who cares enough about me that His thoughts of me are more numerous than the sands of the sea….mind boggling amazing and so loving!!
    You have an incredible personal relationship with the Almighty, Pami, and I’m sure what He allows in your life will only enhance and deepen it and that you wouldn’t change any of the grief, struggle or pain to know or love Him less….

    Much love, thoughts and prayers!
    Kris Keiser

  2. Pami,
    I’m so glad to see you writing again. And writing you are – words straight from the heart of God.

    Please know you are not a widow, and from what I can see not even a wounded warrior. You are a conqueror and the wife of Yeshua, your husband. “and it will be in that day, says the Lord, that you will call Me Ishi (my husband)….Hosea 2:16.

  3. There’s so much that I love about this post, it’s hard to know where to begin, Pami! First of all, I’ve just prayed for you. I can’t imagine the heartache you must be going through every single day–especially with children to care for and lead without your sweet hubby. And secondly, I love imagery you pointed out about that verse–Jesus seizes us! How cool is that? I need Him to grab me and not the other way around today, because I am feeling kind of weak and wobbly myself. Thankfully, we have a very strong and persistent God who loves and carries us when we can’t take another step!

  4. What you’ve written here is beautiful in so many ways. You have acknowledged the pain and the reality, but you have not magnified it. Instead, you’ve pointed us all back to Christ and given Him glory in a powerful and profound way. I am blessed by your heart. Thank you for sharing this.

  5. Hello Pami, I heard you on a podcast that was several years old and your story just stayed on my mind. When I signed on to see if you had a blog or if you’ve were on insta I was going to tell you I’m praying for you and how brave and strong you are was so inspiring. Then I saw you suffered a tremendous tragedy since that podcast and I just want to tell you I’m a stranger but I’m including you and your family in my prayers and keeping you in my thoughts. Your faith and strength are amazing ❤️ Kerrie-

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