Recently, a very close friend of mine texted me to invite me out to dinner with her and some other friends.
When I read the names of the other women invited, I realized they had all lost their husbands through death.
And then, I thought…
“This is a ‘WIDOWS dinner’.”
It felt like somebody kicked me in the stomach.
Man, did that word HURT!!
I couldn’t really ignore that THIS is who I am now.
I’ve actually been trying to find some cooler, hipper names for us.
But I guess, if I’m being honest…
I don’t WANT that title at ALL…
No matter how you dress it up.
I just don’t want to be THAT.
But since that’s the only word for it (yet!😊😊),
I guess that’s now a part of who I am.
How do you go on by yourself, after vowing to become “One”,
In front of God and family???
When you’ve made CHILDREN with this person??
When, whether things were good in your marriage or even really horrible, you made a LIFE with this person???
I really don’t know how to do that yet,
But I know it’s going to be difficult,
And just like every other difficult thing God has permitted me to go through,
I can trust Him with this new name…
This new normal…
This new challenge.
I have already had plenty of people ask me why I continue to trust in a God who seems” to like watching me suffer.”
First of all, I DO NOT BELIEVE HE LIKES TO WATCH ME SUFFER!!
I do, however, think He likes to watch me CONQUER!!!!
My God is not stupid.
He is not weak.
He is not clumsy,
He is not callous,
He LOVES me!!
So, because I know that to be true,
I am looking for lessons.
I am looking for nuggets of wisdom to glean from all of this.
Some days, I am so desperately sad, that it’s hard to BREATHE, let alone get my kids ready for school in the morning.
Some days, I just want to punch somebody, because I’m so angry and hurt about how Jeremy left this world.
Yes, I have those moments…
Because I’m human.
I’m trusting God with every breath.
I’m trusting God with every big and small decision I need to make.
I’m trusting God, that when He planned my life before there was ever ANYTHING created…
That HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING!…
THAT He has a plan to make me and my two babies THRIVE!!…
That He will ALWAYS comfort me and be my peace.
So, “widow” or wounded warrior”….
That is just a small part of who I am now.
And it’s going to be okay.
One day, I won’t feel like the wind was knocked out of me whenever I hear that label.
One day, it will get easier to walk on
Without my Jeremy.
The LORD appeared to me (Israel) from ages past, saying, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you and continued My faithfulness to you.
Jeremiah 31:3 AMP
I can truly count on a God who LOVES me like this….
Who “draws” me ….
The Hebrew definition of “draws” is to “drag or seize”.
He SEIZES me!!!!!
Jesus grabs hold of me with His everlasting love,
His everlasting kindness,
With His everlasting faithfulness!!!!
I. AM. NOT. ALONE.
Widow or not…
His love is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS