Three p.m. came,
This was the time my husband usually arrived home from work.
I’ve had a whole week of 3p.m.’s.
Actually, I’ve had FOUR weeks of 3 p.m.’s.
It hit me.
Jeremy is gone.
Jeremy is dead.
And he will never walk through our back door again.
I didn’t even realize that tomorrow marks one month since he last
It still feels like it only happened just a minute ago.
I’m still frozen in place…
Or maybe by alot of things.
But the world’s little obligatory pause is over.
But now, that’s over, it seems.
And everyone is moving.
Moving by me,
Moving around me,
I want to ask people to slow down a little, so I can catch up.
I want to do whatever it takes to just
Or, what little is LEFT of me.
I know that’s just a feeling, and that I’m as WHOLE as I EVER was!
But it’s a whopper of a feeling.
I feel like one of our jack-o-lanterns we threw out around Thanksgiving…
The insides were scooped out awhile ago.
I loved him HARD.
Sometimes he was hard to love, and to be fair,
There were times I was, too.
But I loved him with everything I could think to give.
I’m just exhausted.
I just need a minute…
I just need to catch my breath…
To some, it probably seems like I’ve had plenty of time.
But, THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH OF THAT STUFF.
My thing is, I’m trying.
I’m trying to move…
I’m trying to take care of my kids, and my home,
And my LIFE.
Raising my kids on my own,
With lots of limitations,
Well, I’m terrified!!!
I’ve been searching for verses to give me a special kind of courage to force me to MOVE my feet…
To not be frozen and stuck.
I mean, I think it’s okay to be still for awhile , when we are in deep pain.
But I probably shouldn’t be frozen in FEAR.
And there are so many things I’m afraid of.
Jeremy did so much for us!
Maybe too much….
I’m afraid to leave the stove on, afraid I’ll blow up the house with my kids inside.
I’m afraid I will forget to take my meds and stroke out, leaving my kids with
I’ve never been this scared.
I’ve never been this…
And God led me to this beautiful, amazing verse… jam-packed with comfort!:
The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds’ feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!
Oh my goodness!! Is there a better scripture for me???
I do not think so!😊
HE is my personal (my very own) bravery!! My own special brand of
He will make me walk, and NOT STAND STILL!!
He will also cause me to IMPROVE spiritually, even in the midst of great loss and suffering.
If I EVER wondered if He loved me…the wondering is over!!!!
God, You are so amazing!!!
Thank You for speaking DIRECTLY to my broken and fearful heart!!!
I’m going to…
I might even RUN…with the Father…
My very own personal bravery!
Because I am on my way.❤