Three p.m. came,

And went

Today.

This was the time my husband usually arrived home from work.

I’ve had a whole week of 3p.m.’s.

Actually, I’ve had FOUR weeks of 3 p.m.’s.

But today,

It hit me.

Jeremy is gone.

Jeremy is dead.

And he will never walk through our back door again.

I didn’t even realize that tomorrow marks one month since he last

breathed air.

It still feels like it only happened just a minute ago.

I’m still frozen in place…

By shock,

Or maybe by alot of things.

I’m frozen…

But the world’s little obligatory pause is over.

Everybody cried.

Everybody hugged.

But now, that’s over, it seems.

And everyone is moving.

Moving by me,

Moving around me,

And especially,

Moving

PAST me.

I want to ask people to slow down a little, so I can catch up.

I want to do whatever it takes to just

UNFREEZE

Myself.

Myself.

Or, what little is LEFT of me.

I know that’s just a feeling, and that I’m as WHOLE as I EVER was!

But it’s a whopper of a feeling.

I feel like one of our jack-o-lanterns we threw out around Thanksgiving…

The insides were scooped out awhile ago.

I loved him HARD.

Sometimes he was hard to love, and to be fair,

There were times I was, too.

But I loved him with everything I could think to give.

And now,

I’m just exhausted.

Hollowed out,

Frozen.

I just need a minute…

I just need to catch my breath…

To some, it probably seems like I’ve had plenty of time.

But, THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH OF THAT STUFF.

My thing is, I’m trying.

I’m trying to move…

I’m trying to take care of my kids, and my home,

And my LIFE.

Without him.

Raising my kids on my own,

With lots of limitations,

And disabilities…

Well, I’m terrified!!!

I’ve been searching for verses to give me a special kind of courage to force me to MOVE my feet…

To not be frozen and stuck.

I mean, I think it’s okay to be still for awhile , when we are in deep pain.

But I probably shouldn’t be frozen in FEAR.

And there are so many things I’m afraid of.

Jeremy did so much for us!

Maybe too much….

I’m afraid to leave the stove on, afraid I’ll blow up the house with my kids inside.

I’m afraid I will forget to take my meds and stroke out, leaving my kids with

NO ONE!

I’ve never been this scared.

I’ve never been this…

Alone.

And God led me to this beautiful, amazing verse… jam-packed with comfort!:

The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds’ feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!

Habakkuk 3:19

Oh my goodness!! Is there a better scripture for me???

I do not think so!😊

HE is my personal (my very own) bravery!! My own special brand of

Courage!!!

He will make me walk, and NOT STAND STILL!!

He will also cause me to IMPROVE spiritually, even in the midst of great loss and suffering.

If I EVER wondered if He loved me…the wondering is over!!!!

God, You are so amazing!!!

Thank You for speaking DIRECTLY to my broken and fearful heart!!!

I’m going to…

WALK!!

I might even RUN…with the Father…

My very own personal bravery!

Look out.

Because I am on my way.❤

3 p.m.

11 thoughts on “3 p.m.

  1. And, without missing a beat, the song came to me, from an old Word record, maybe the Palermo Brothers…..Based in this VERY verse about which you write, the l.a.s.t line of the song is:

    “Teach me, Lord, TEACH ME! LORD! …..to…..w.a.i.t. ”

    So much <3, R.A.

  2. Love you Pami. I just can’t imagine what you are going through. But you have a such a strong support system. If you need anything we will be there for you. If you need something fixed and need some muscles- just asked and you know we will be there. Just some things that popped in my head when I was reading your blog. FEAR NOT! Fear is the enemy. You will have the good days and rough days but you will rise above this with God by you side. If you ever need a listening ear- call me and I will come over. You are not alone and you will help so many people with your blog.

  3. Pami,
    This is heartbreakingly beautiful. I’m so glad you are finding courage in your Heavenly Father. You have been on my mind and in my prayers and since I can’t think of any adequate words, I will just paraphrase Psalms 119:76 and pray that His unfailing love will be your comfort.

  4. I love it when the Heavenly Father leads hearts to a personal Word from Him. Every time He’s done that for me, IT. IS. AMAZING!! I don’t know you but I put you on my ladies prayer group. You have such a beautiful heart to bear your soul in this way with others!! ❤️

  5. My heart goes out to you as you walk through overwhelming sorrow and grief. It is so unbelievably tough when we experience such a tragedy, fo it can seem like our whole world has tilted on its head whilst the rest of the world seems untouched and unchanged and to just continue along merrily. So it seems like there is such disconnect from others. But as you write – God and his Word can be so sustaining. Grabbing hold of his Word and nestling it deep in our hearts provides the sustenance needed to take the next step, do the next task, and carry on. Praying that you continue to feel God’s abiding love and presence through this incredibly difficult season.

  6. God bless you, Pami. I can’t relate, but my heart goes out to you. As a Christian, you have found a wonderful Bible verse that speaks to you. Hang onto it, and dwell on it. I will be praying for you.

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