Thus says the Lord, your Redeemer, The Holy One of Israel: “I am the Lord your God, Who teaches you to profit, Who leads you by the way you should go.

Isaiah 48:17

All your children shall be taught by the Lord, And great shall be the peace of your children.

Isaiah 54:13

But He knows the way that I take; When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold.

Job 23:10

I’ve always kind of identified with the role of a “student”. I’ve always loved learning new things, and even though my brain is a little like swiss cheese now, I find I still want to keep learning.

But now, they are more like heart lessons instead of head lessons.

Well, this is, RIGHT NOW, the toughest assignment I’ve ever faced.

The visceral pain I’m feeling…

It’s like nothing else.

When I went into that hospital room to identify my husband’s broken body…

A tiny flame of POSSIBILITY was snuffed out in me.

The possibility of so many things.

My friend had to literally PEEL me off of his frigid, bloody body.

And in that one moment, my entire life changed.

I’ve had ANOTHER moment similar to this, looking back, but it was nothing…

Compared to this.

Jeremy was a…..complicated….broken…..

Often tormented man.

But when I saw him that night, all I saw, with his beautiful, enviable (on my part) eyelashes….

Was a lost, little boy.

And all I really wanted to do was

Just

Hold him.

Rock him in my arms, and make him

All better.

With the days that have passed since November 24,

New, painful information has surfaced,

Making it so much harder to grieve the way I would have wanted,

if given the choice.

I do realize that ALL grief is messy.

All grief is raw,

Wild, untamed,

And strangely beautiful.

One thing I always pray when I’m in pain of any kind, is this:

“Please God, don’t let me waste one single bit of this experience! I want to learn and grow from this as much as possible.

Teach me….

Teach me….”

At Jeremy’s service, we sang, as we usually do, It Is Well.

There is this one line that always gets me..

“Whatever my lot

Thou hast taught me to say

It is well,

It is Well

With my soul.

Everywhere I go,

I miss him there.

I miss his big shoulders…

The ones that tried as hard as he could to carry my burdens and pain throughout the years.

Today, it’s so strange…

Because, even though I’m facing one of the worst things that can happen to a person…

I STILL see God’s VERY BEST for my life in this tragedy.

I’m so thankful that I have a God who SEES me, and who is working EVERYTHING…

EVERYTHING!!!

For my ultimate good.

It doesn’t take the heartbreak away…

It doesn’t mean I’ll cry any less than anyone else would.

But it DOES mean there is hope.

And it DOES mean…

It is well.

My special and unique LOT,

Has TAUGHT me that.

I love you, Jeremy…..

Taught By My Lot

13 thoughts on “Taught By My Lot

  1. Your faith is beautiful, Pami. I write this through tears. You inspire me through your words…God continues to use you for the good of others. You have so much to give.
    Big hugs.

  2. Horatio Spafford was a very unique and remarkable man. He eventually moved to Jerusalem and when we tour over there, we end our final evening at a hotel where he stayed, and have dinner there. The hotel has a very nice array of artifacts about Horatio which one can read about.
    Horatio suffered multiple human tragedies in his life and eventually, they claimed his sanity. But his testimony has outlived him and God has used his life and song more than Horatio ever knew this side of heaven. “Godliness with contentment is
    GREAT gain” and Horatio knew and u;derstood it, as well do you……Your little light shines brightly even thru the pain of grief. Love you much, Pami!❤️🙏🏻❤️🙏🏻❤️

    • Pami, this is so beautifully written. I know that in my journey, I have come to lean more on His everlasting arms. Some people may be angry at God for their loss but it has only drawn me closer to Him and I find myself more dependant on Him. And I can truly say it is well with my soul. I continue to pray for you and the kids. I love you all.

  3. The literary picture painted here is a beautiful illustration of how grace blankets tragedy and faith holds together what otherwise may be broken. I am inspired !

  4. Pami girl this is so eloquently written and so unbelievably heartfelt. I dont ever want to know what your going thru but i hope you know we are ALL praying for you. Sometimes when we go through things its so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes that light may only be the smallest of flickers but its there none the less. And as time goes by the flicker turns into a slow small burning flame. So we continue to learns and grow as God carries us at this time in our lives. Until one day that little flame becomes a roaring fire and then and sometimes only then do we see all the good God had in store for us. It’s hard right now for you and the kiddos of this I have no doubt but remember Pami YOU ARE LOVED!!!!! And if ever you need anything Russ and I are there for ya girl. _XOXOX

  5. Thank you for letting us into your heart and your world in this painful time, Pami. You are being prayed for from afar. May you continue to encounter the love of the Father in your grief.

  6. Pami, I having trouble finding the words to tell you all that’s going on in my heart and mind after reading your words. My heart hurts for you and the pain you’re experiencing. I’m also praising God for the way He is comforting you and holding you close. And I’m blessed by your honesty that doesn’t brush the pain aside but uses it to point people to the Lord. Thank you! We will continue to pray… Hugs! Deb

  7. Oh, goodness, there is nothing I can add to this post except for my thanks for your struggle to see good even in the deepest despair. Thanks be to God that He is your comfort and your peace.

  8. I am so sorry for your loss. I am praying for you as you walk through this. This is beautifully written. God be with you in the depths of your pain.

  9. Pami,
    I’m so sorry that you are enduring so much pain and loss. There are no words, only an urge to hug you from afar. May God fill you with a peace that only He can provide each day and mend the hurting places in your heart.

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