Thus says the Lord, your Redeemer, The Holy One of Israel: “I am the Lord your God, Who teaches you to profit, Who leads you by the way you should go.
All your children shall be taught by the Lord, And great shall be the peace of your children.
But He knows the way that I take; When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold.
I’ve always kind of identified with the role of a “student”. I’ve always loved learning new things, and even though my brain is a little like swiss cheese now, I find I still want to keep learning.
But now, they are more like heart lessons instead of head lessons.
Well, this is, RIGHT NOW, the toughest assignment I’ve ever faced.
The visceral pain I’m feeling…
It’s like nothing else.
When I went into that hospital room to identify my husband’s broken body…
A tiny flame of POSSIBILITY was snuffed out in me.
The possibility of so many things.
My friend had to literally PEEL me off of his frigid, bloody body.
And in that one moment, my entire life changed.
I’ve had ANOTHER moment similar to this, looking back, but it was nothing…
Compared to this.
Jeremy was a…..complicated….broken…..
Often tormented man.
But when I saw him that night, all I saw, with his beautiful, enviable (on my part) eyelashes….
Was a lost, little boy.
And all I really wanted to do was
Rock him in my arms, and make him
With the days that have passed since November 24,
New, painful information has surfaced,
Making it so much harder to grieve the way I would have wanted,
if given the choice.
I do realize that ALL grief is messy.
All grief is raw,
And strangely beautiful.
One thing I always pray when I’m in pain of any kind, is this:
“Please God, don’t let me waste one single bit of this experience! I want to learn and grow from this as much as possible.
At Jeremy’s service, we sang, as we usually do, It Is Well.
There is this one line that always gets me..
“Whatever my lot
Thou hast taught me to say
It is well,
It is Well
With my soul.
Everywhere I go,
I miss him there.
I miss his big shoulders…
The ones that tried as hard as he could to carry my burdens and pain throughout the years.
Today, it’s so strange…
Because, even though I’m facing one of the worst things that can happen to a person…
I STILL see God’s VERY BEST for my life in this tragedy.
I’m so thankful that I have a God who SEES me, and who is working EVERYTHING…
For my ultimate good.
It doesn’t take the heartbreak away…
It doesn’t mean I’ll cry any less than anyone else would.
But it DOES mean there is hope.
And it DOES mean…
It is well.
My special and unique LOT,
Has TAUGHT me that.
I love you, Jeremy…..