I love Christmas.

I really do, and always have.

The songs, the snow, the joy of Jesus coming down….

All of it.

But truthfully, a little bit of sadness gets mixed in now, for me.  Everyone seems to get nostalgic this time of year, and age-old traditions are unwrapped and visited once again. My little family has those “Christmas customs”, too. But the part that makes it a little difficult for me is not having memories of my own childhood Christmases. They are just gone, with all the rest of the history of ….well, “me.”

Now, every Christmas, I’m reminded of ALL that I lost.

I lost my life.

Or at least a mighty big part of it.

And there’s really no one I can talk to about it. No one I know is in the same boat, and that is sometimes such a lonely feeling.  But I was reminded the other day, that there IS One who knows.

One who lost His perfect life, with His perfect Father, in the most perfect of places.

And He CHOSE to lose it!

To become a baby. A lower class, boring baby…and chose to lead a boring, lower class life. Until the day He died a dirty, rotten criminal’s death.

All for me.

I think about all the things He needed to say goodbye to before taking up residence in a girl’s womb.

Golden skies, perfect love, perfect peace, perfect joy!

Such an amazing life.

Gone in a moment.

Mine feels like that too. Mine wasn’t  exactly “amazing”, but it was MINE.

Now, I know my life is pretty darn amazing today, and I’ve been changed, been made more beautiful because of all that I lost.

But there are days I need to mourn all that is gone, most of which will never return.

And I can mourn with Him, and He with me. He’s holding my hand everytime I feel lost in my own life. I like to think of Him giving it an extra squeeze in those moments of pain.

Once again, Emmanuel (GOD WITH US) knows.

He knows about losing His life.

He knows about losing loved ones.

He knows about betrayal, abuse, and any other painful thing you could ever imagine.

And that is how He is WITH us.

Jesus is such a gift!

The only One I will ever need.

I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. And the the bread that I will give for the life of the world is my flesh.”

John 6:51

7 thoughts on “WITH.

  1. p.s. You are not alone, by the way, among us mortals; there are other humans whose childhoods have evaporated. Some of them cannot recall their memories because of personal trauma. I know one woman, the parent of two of my former students who now works as a therapist, whose entire childhood was never recollectable until, after deep hypnosis, she was able to retrieve years of sexual abuse. Thankfully, yours was not characterized by such horror. To some, gaps in memory are actually a blessing!! I am glad you are not among them. I seriously doubt whether you would be the radiant woman and mother you are today had your childhood been one of intense pain. Keep counting your blessings; I’m trying, too!

  2. Beautifully written. The Christmas season can really bring life’s difficulties and hard feelings to the surface. Our first Christmas after we lost our baby was more a reminder of what we had lost than anything else. But it is such a comfort to know we are not alone in our pain, and that Jesus truly knows it. Thank you for writing this!

  3. Beautiful and poignant. I love that in your loss you look to Him and are thankful that He has given you beauty for ashes!

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