Alive, I’m Christ’s messenger; dead, I’m his bounty. Life versus even more life! I can’t lose. 22 As long as I’m alive in this body, there is good work for me to do. If I had to choose right now, I hardly know which I’d choose. 23 Hard choice! The desire to break camp here and be with Christ is powerful. Some days I can think of nothing better 24 . But most days, because of what you are going through, I am sure that it’s better for me to stick it out here. 25 So I plan to be around awhile, companion to you as your growth and joy in this life of trusting God continues. 26 You can start looking forward to a great reunion when I come visit you again. We’ll be praising Christ, enjoying each other
Phil. 1: 21-26 MSG
Most of you know I had a scare last week. I went in to have a routine hysterectomy, and came home later that evening. During the night, the very worst pains of my life kept me up all night. The next day, we noticed more concerning signs that something was terribly wrong. We went to the hospital, and an hour later I was in surgery to fix the internal bleeding in my abdomen. Just before surgery, I had a chance to hug everybody, tell certain people things I wanted them to know. I had been “here” before, but in no condition to tell my loved ones what they meant to me, and I received it as the gift that it was.
After the surgery, I slowly woke up, and realized I wasn’t in heaven…I was still here. All I was really thinking was, “Crap.” I was disappointed…and so desperate to go and sit with Jesus and hug Him, and never let go….and be done with the weariness of this life I’ve been feeling nonstop for the last four years.
Please don’t get me wrong! I am DEEPLY grateful for all the love and prayers from so many people…many of whom I’ve never even met! And I am grateful to still be here to be a mommy to my babies, friend to my husband, and a friend to lots of others.
But there is a weariness I can’t explain, and the “rest” (rest from pain, chaos, turmoil, tragedy, fear) promised to me in heaven was looking sooo very good! I tied up any loose ends…I was ready.
But He’s not.
So that’s that. I’m here because I’m supposed to be. Clearly. And I want to use my life everyday to show the world the Jesus I have come to know. Not the one I was “raised” to know. But the One I have walked with on dark roads…the One who stayed with me when everyone else forgot about me…the One who has never once left me for even a second! The One who hasn’t taken my pain away, these last few years, but the One who’s given me hope and peace in the midst of every last bit of it.
Well, I’ve decided to stop seeking for an ending…to ANY of it….and to start looking at it like I’m just getting warmed up for all the amazing things my story has made and will make possible!
Friends, never think this pain you’re in is something God allowed, and then stepped out of the room so you could deal with it on your own. God permits things sometimes just so you will feel desperate enough to reach out to Him…every loving Father’s dream. And He is ALWAYS there to be touched…..
Every child’s dream.