Fire In My Bones

I was dealing with a medical problem late last week, which may, in the future, require surgery. The risks and potential dangers attached with doing surgery on a person who is  on blood thinners and has had many strokes, are numerous! So, once again, I’m hit with this fear of death. I’ve been trying to figure out what exactly it is about that concept that makes me fearful. I’ve boiled it down to two things.

First, when you have children, you never want to leave them, causing them excruciating pain. And you want to know they will be well cared for and well-loved. Because of that, I took steps yesterday to ensure that my children would be cared for the way I would care for them.

The second fear I have is whether or not I’ve done everything I wanted to do while on this earth.My friends at Second Chance Stroke Survivors say to address these fears and address your concerns so that you can live the remainder of your life with peace and purpose. When I was younger, I’m sure I had my own “bucket list”, which no doubt included traveling to Italy and trying all different kinds of foods. Shocking, I know.

But now.

I only want one thing. I want my life to bring glory to God, and to be used in some way to bring others into a REAL relationship with Him. That is the only thing that matters to me!  Not just to know God, but to know and accept He sent His one and only Son to a sin-ridden, filthy place called Earth, to die on a cross, a criminal’s cross, for you…and for me.  To take our sins and die with them, so that we could one day be with Him in Paradise, which is a place even our wildest imaginations cannot create!

And it is my desire, duty, responsibility, and purpose to always shine a light in His direction.  I do believe that is why He’s allowed me to go through so many things these last few years.  Because I now have something to say about His grace reaching down and literally saving my life!  Because I now know what it means to empty myself out and have only Him to give me strength!  I feel this desire for everyone I know to also know the Savior, and I know it will come at great cost!  But this verse, for the last two years has been bubbling in my gut, if that makes any sense.:

So the word of the Lord has brought me insult and reproach all day long.  But if I say, “I will not mention Him or speak any more in His name,” His word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot. Jeremiah 20:9

So, I pray that all of us who claim to know Him, to walk with Him, would feel the gut-wrenching emotion of that verse with me.  And that NONE of us would be quiet. And that NONE of us would quiet anyone else who is willing to speak.

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