I may have mentioned that I have an addictive side of my personality. And according to all the articles I’ve read, that addictive side to one’s self after having a stroke is magnified enormously! But when I read that, it didn’t feel as though it applied to me. But it does. And it always has.
My addictions have come in several different forms. I used to buy clothes in order to cheer myself up after a bad day…and that became a huge problem for me at one point in my life, because, as it turns out, money does NOT grow on trees!
Then there’s my addiction to food. I used to eat, and still do, to feel better…to soothe myself. Sometimes, when I feel anxious, I buy a pint of oysters and make oyster stew, my personal favorite…whether we really have the money for that pricey purchase or not.
Now, I’m afraid it’s more about pills and alcohol. I used to drink a glass of wine with dinner because I’ve learned that the right wine really does make the meal a hit! Now, I drink a glass as soon as my kids get home, so that my mind isn’t racing with all that’s going on around me. And it’s two glasses before bed to help me sleep, along with my prescribed sleeping pills, because I’m a horrible sleeper.
Well, all of this dependence on other things is not the kind of behavior I ever expected to see in myself, and writing this is pretty difficult. People are always telling me how strong I am. Do you still think so??? Probably not.
Discipline has never been very easy for me, although I remained a virgin until I got married at the age of 34…go figure! These days, I tend to take the easiest route…the quickest way to relax….the quickest way to fall asleep.
You see, my heart is now divided. I give a huge portion of my dependence to alcohol and sleeping pills instead of giving myself wholly to God, who is able to give me peace in chaos and sleep in anxiety.
6 Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts, And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom. 7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. 8 Make me hear joy and gladness, That the bones You have broken may rejoice. 9 Hide Your face from my sins, And blot out all my iniquities. 10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
You see, these blogs are all about honesty for me, and telling the whole truth. And this is the whole truth. And in these last couple of days, He has renewed my heart, and I continue to pray for a steadfast spirit to relinquish those crutches which keep me from FULLY putting my trust in him.
I know some of you may be shocked or offended. And I am sorry for that. But I have a feeling my story is not much different from anyone else’s. It’s just that I’m sharing mine. Please pray that I would not get swept away by anything other than the beauty of the grace of God!