I figured out today why I’m feeling a little antsy and the tiniest bit depressed. I signed and registered both of my kids for daycare and preschool, and they will start in about a week. Fighting against my natural desire to care for my children myself is a need to survive so that I can be their mom for a long while. You see, this stinkin’ stroke, as I lovingly refer to it, has stolen nearly all of my energy, memory, and focus. I’ve really been trying so hard to do as much of it on my own as possible…now, it seems that they and I would really benefit from outside help.
Now, I’ve never been one to hold on to a job title for any real kind of self-assurance. I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for two years, and I’ve always been kinda proud of that, even when I wasn’t doing my very best at it!
Before, when I got paid to work, when asked , I didn’t say I was a social worker. I said I worked with kids in foster care. And now when I am asked by people I am just meeting, I say that I take care of my kids full time. And I thought that would be enough to keep my worth from getting mixed up with what I do. But, no such luck. Because now that I know my kids will be getting cared for by someone else, and someone else will be holding them and teaching them, I feel sad. And what’s more…I feel ashamed. Ashamed that I am not some Superwoman who can withstand all of the effects of a stroke, even though God did protect me from a lot of them.
But I know I’m not alone in this department, stroke or no stroke. Many people identify their value by what they get paid to do. Some people are blessed to love what they do, but even for them there is danger in that. What if, for whatever reason, you could no longer perform your job? What then would you say to people when they ask you to describe yourself?
For me, it’s not so much about what others will think of me (although I DO rush to explain I had a stroke when I say don’t work outside of the home…) but just what I think of me, of the kind of mom I always wanted to be. And you can give me your counsel and say, “ It’s not what you do…it’s just a matter of BEING there,” and I guess that would work if I WAS there, and I won’t be.
So, what do I do when I feel yucky, sad, and worthless? I eat chocolate and lots of butter. NO!!! (Well, actually…I do that a little!) I listen to what God has to say about me. And since I know He never lies, I can believe Him!
“I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.”
I’m working on teaching my soul those very things. If His works are marvelous, and I am His creation, then everything I do in His name, no matter my physical limitations, is beautiful, and worth A LOT! So, if you struggle with this, know you’re not alone…and know that your heart is what matters to Him, not how well you do at ANYTHING!
So please pray for me, that I will adjust to this situation with grace and hope. Because I want to feel as marvelous as He says I am!