I figured out today why I’m feeling a little antsy and the tiniest bit depressed.  I signed and registered both of my kids for daycare and preschool, and they will start in about a week.  Fighting against my natural desire to care for my children myself is a need to survive so that I can be their mom for a long while.  You see, this stinkin’ stroke, as I lovingly refer to it, has stolen nearly all of my energy, memory, and focus.  I’ve really been trying so hard to do as much of it on my own as possible…now, it seems that they and I would really benefit from outside help. 

Now, I’ve never been one to hold on to a job title for any real kind of self-assurance.  I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for two years, and I’ve always been kinda proud of that, even when I wasn’t doing my very best at it!

Before, when I got paid to work, when asked , I didn’t say I was a social worker.  I said I worked with kids in foster care.  And now when I am asked by people I am just meeting, I say  that I take care of my kids full time.  And I thought that would be enough to keep my worth from getting mixed up with what I do.  But, no such luck.  Because now that I know my kids will be getting cared for by someone else, and someone else will be holding them and teaching them, I feel sad.  And what’s more…I feel ashamed.  Ashamed that I am not some Superwoman who can withstand all of the effects of a stroke, even though God did protect me from a lot of them. 

But I know I’m not alone in this department, stroke or no stroke.  Many people identify their value by what they get paid to do.  Some people are blessed to love what they do, but even for them there is danger in that.  What if, for whatever reason, you could no longer perform your job?  What then would you say to people when they ask you to describe yourself? 

For me, it’s not so much about what others will think of me (although I DO rush to explain I had a stroke when I say don’t work outside of the home…) but just what I think of me, of the kind of mom I always wanted to be.  And you can give me your counsel and say, “ It’s not what you do…it’s just a matter of BEING there,” and I guess that would work if I WAS there, and I won’t be. 

So, what do I do when I feel yucky, sad, and worthless?  I eat chocolate and lots of butter.  NO!!!  (Well, actually…I do that a little!)  I listen to what God has to say about me.  And since I know He never lies, I can believe Him!

Psalm 139:14

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.”

I’m working on teaching my soul those very things.  If His works are marvelous, and I am His creation, then everything I do in His name, no matter my physical limitations, is beautiful, and worth A LOT!  So, if you struggle with this, know you’re not alone…and know that your heart is what matters to Him, not how well you do at ANYTHING! 

So please pray for me, that I will adjust to this situation with grace and hope.  Because I want to feel as marvelous as He says I am!

2 thoughts on “Marvelous!

  1. Pam, I think when moms are ready to go back to work when they have a child naturally or adopted,I know I felt the same way. What would I missing, I should be doing that with my kids, but having someone else share in their life was a God send, I could not do it all., I missed them so bad, but made it worth it when I picked them up and they hug you and tell you about their day. You need to work on you, so you can be there for them. Create some special things for them , so when they come home they look forward to the special times with you. Set up a ritual for them. Sharing time goes both ways. You are so blessed with many friends and family. I would love for you to meet my sister who had a stroke in December- her name is Marianne and she has had some major side effects on her left side ( paralysis) and is not able to work- but she is driving now. She lives in Northumberland. My prayers and thoughts are with you-please let me know if I can do anything for you. You have so many gifts-musically, spiritually and a gift of written expression that will help many people who are going thru the same trial. You are not alone. Always, Pam Rodkey

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s